PROLOGUE
She could not get those thoughts out of her mind, and she did not want to try.
It is such a big decision and scary for a few reasons.
FLASHBACK
Spring 2017 ~ Less than two months pass after disembarking the Serenade of the Seas, and she is seriously considering another ship. Planning trips has been her pleasure for many years, but this is vastly different. Seeking and receiving acceptance for a visit, the first step, allows her to proceed nervously and anxiously. She has no companion and will travel alone to see someone with limited time, her primary purpose. She convinces herself that seeing a friendly face and talking for a few minutes each day during the week would be sufficient to meet her desires. She determines she can use the time away from home to reflect on what to do now that life’s happenings flipped her world and left her with many responsibilities requiring action. Any excuse, a rationalization? Timing, of utmost importance, needs resolution with an appropriate itinerary.
Ship and itinerary chosen, courtesy hold expired, and deposit paid now she worries about her choice and heart. What in the world is she thinking? They have not even been communicating for two months, her husband died less than six months ago, and she has met someone who is fast becoming a friend who would like to see her again. They enjoy each other’s words and time.
Making and having friends, a very selective and cautious exercise in the past, with many hurts, seems to come so naturally with him. Drawn by his acceptance, responses, and surprising herself with an unusual openness in words showing free-flowing confidence in expressions she does not share with anyone, she catches herself inhaling deeply with every thought. She writes for, of and to him, keeping things secretive from family as if there is something amiss having a male friend. Or does she wonder about betrayal, even an internal perception? Perhaps guilt?
Growing up on Canadian Air Force bases with many imminent transfers to new places shadows a shy, introverted girl into womanhood with few friendship experiences, only one lasting, and that did not begin until high school. Life became her family, and as a couple, they enjoyed some social activities at church activities or while volunteering in Scouting and Guiding organizations, for the most part without friends. They were each other’s best friends and constant companions. Widowed and alone after 38 years of marriage, she is unsure of herself but continues to feel a comforting peace and a sense of security.
BIDING TIME, ANTICIPATION HEEDING
April, May, and June bring many changes, sadness, laughs, comforting words, and new experiences for her as they continue their communications. By June 29, 2017, her stateroom and itinerary aboard the Anthem of the Seas, confirmed for October 28, with no chance of a full refund if she backs out. She is venturing alone on a Halloween cruise to places not yet visited, not on her wish list but her choice for seven nights, solely influenced by desire, timing, and opportunity, her impulsiveness evident. Simmering feelings bringing excitement to a slow rolling boil begins bubbling inside the cauldron of her stomach.
May and June took her to South Carolina twice. Aware of how quickly time passes, she has a busy summer with other vacations organized for August and September in Virginia and Alberta.
Now she will add making an impressive costume to the list for October’s cruise. Countdown begins on September 28.
Every day, anticipation continues building its bubbling enthusiasm until October 5 with the reception of unexpected and disappointing news for her. The week before she embarks, a special friend will visit, which will impact his time during her visit. Yet, she is happy for him, wanting to see him, and will now hope for the best.
The dreamer and optimist can work with the unknown.
JOURNAL ENTRIES
Saturday, October 28, 2017. 10 pm in my stateroom ~ “I am now on the Anthem of the Seas. I missed writing yesterday as I was travelling. Yesterday, in the early evening, I began my 8-hour drive to Bayonne, New Jersey, knowing it would take longer because I would look for a rest area to attempt sleeping for a few hours.
The rest area had Wi-Fi. I turned on WhatsApp after napping until 4:30 am to notify my family where I was and check messages.”
[She responds to a disheartening text. Knowing that her friend will now continue to enjoy the company of his visitor another week, instead of disembarking as planned, deflates her ballooning anticipation. Sad for herself, assuming anytime to visit was now impossible, her reply is the finest she can offer. More anxious than ever, not quite to the point of dreading the upcoming week, she attacks herself in astonishingly harsh reprimands for hopeful, fantasy-like expectations. She had convinced herself before booking this trip she would be okay with little talking time. Hesitating, she sits behind the steering wheel in disbelief before continuing the remaining 3-hour drive to the cruise port parking lot. What is wrong with her, she questions. With shrugging shoulders and a sickening stomach, she puts the car in drive while cringing internally. Life happens, so does anticipation–of a different sort.]
Saturday, October 28, 2017. noon hour ~ “Walking around the Windjammer looking for my reason to visit, I feel nervousness growing more feverishly upon recognizing the back of a particular chef’s head. He is busy at one of the food stations, in conversation and with a tray of food in his hands as I slowly approach, stopping silently beside him. He looks, returns to his job for a brief second, and a double-take, this time with pleasant recognition in his eyes and on his face he quickly puts down the tray, then exclaims, “Vicki!” Taking off his Toque Blanche, he warmly welcomes me. It was great! We chat for a few minutes. Buffet hours on disembarkation/embarkation days are hectic. The stew boiling in my stomach’s cauldron, now mixed with different ingredients, has no time to simmer or absorb flavours and will be cautiously tasted each day.”
Standing rail side as the Anthem of the Seas begins cruising out to the Atlantic Ocean, I watch life’s happenings around me and . . .
EPILOGUE
Emotions can cause powerful stirrings where heart and mind wrestle for controlling interest, at least in my experience. Passing years and memories temper my heart with knowledge (and sometimes a little wisdom) gained through impulsive actions, cautiousness, forced restraint, perspective adjustments, self-discovery, and life’s happenings continue to teach, instruct, correct, and enlighten me.
Anticipation, a palatable and active ingredient in my living life menu (especially where travel or adventuring is concerned), accompanies me often.
Life Happens . . . so does Anticipation
How about you and your experience?
Does anticipation play an active role in your life and choices?
Life Happens... 