Doubts, hope, anticipation, dreams, and faith: interloping, wrestling, and interconnecting words with prevalence in living through the deep waters of my life result, I am sure, from my tendency to overthink, or so I have been cautioned. They move upon cresting waves, hidden beneath the surface like riptides, and sparkle like precious gems bathed in sunlight. As a visual learner, I seek to see thoughts in action, analogies and symbols that apply meaning for my understanding of purpose, choices, and direction. As one who relies on my heart, I feel and receive promptings and explore my relationships with God and those I encounter during my adventures while life happens.
April 2021 –Three pillows in my bed, one responds to me with a life of its own. I snuggle, cuddle, hug, and drift away under its spell. Its presence cradles my visions of two men on each side of my life, one taken to realms beyond time, the other separated by distance, enriching my life with warmth, a cushion of friendship stuffed with kindness and charm. Guarded as sacred, solemn trusts in the vault of my heart: expressions of truth without questioning, moments I wrap myself around wrestle sleep.
Life is good, my blessings abound, and I feel at peace with God and myself. Yet, tonight a shadow looms. It happens, though not very often so far this year. Truthfully, rarely this emotional tide catches me unawares and off guard anymore. Tonight I feel so all alone. It’s been a while since I have felt like this. Perhaps the wind whooshing through the shutters, whistling a secret chanting verse and chiming memories sublime, causes the tingling shivers within, showing themselves as expressions on my arms.
I refuse to close my eyes. Fearing stark reality against the vividness of hopeful dreams, I reprimand myself. The foolishness of doubts plays haunting games with me. Echoes in safely guarded chambers break the silence like shards of ice snapping from the pressure of water beating at its vulnerable edges. Cut and bleeding, how do I fight, survive, and thrive when love guides me to open waters without a secure lifeline? Tiredness aches in my heart and teary eyes. Through the blur, I glimpse, drifting on clouds, a message of hope and power within my dreams. Trust your heart. You know the source. Be not afraid.
And so I lay in bed, hug my pillow, see his face, and remember. Softly voicing my echoing heart, wrapped safe and snug in aspirations sensitivities, I inhale deeply and slowly each minute, waiting for sleep to overtake my dreaming that he listens as I feel his touch upon my lips. My pillow knows the deepest intimacies of my heart. This night as I write, tired, stubborn and knowing what feels right, despite a few tears, I willfully aim within my sights, trusting in friendship’s goodness.
My heart burst open in the last few months, cresting on the waves and mountain pinnacles of my experiences, waiting for the love I dream of (as long as it takes), committed, totally loyal. I unearthed some important discoveries about my heart, home, and myself when searching within. So I continue to devote myself to my dream and follow my heart, making choices on my star-crossed path. Bringing enrichment, joy, and an abundance of hope, my wishing well of romanticism overflows. Drinking from the depths of its supplying aquifer, refreshing parched lips and soul feel renewing, thirst-quenching energy, flushing doubts.
In the quiet of the night, behind the veil of eyesight, hands reach, touching fingertips, slowly interlocking grip, they stroll as one, the great gift of friendship, without doubts.
October 2021 —
Six months ago (how the hands on the clock and grains of sand continue their movements), I could not have imagined the jagged, curving mountainous road skimming rock faces and disastrous edges I would experience daily, weekly, and monthly. What an incredible adventure, figuratively and literally, fraught with uncertainty, insecurity, doubtful, questioning, hopeful, exhausting, sublime, and exhilarating moments!
I spend much of my time, solitary active in my thoughts and hopes while walking, skipping rope, paddleboarding, hiking trails, taking photographs, and seeking to maximize enjoyment in every moment. Peace and happiness dispel mists of uncertainty in aloneness. Inquisitiveness to understand myself, goals, and dreams, I stop as prompted by my eyes and heart. Appreciative, grateful, and questioning, I contemplate my purpose and relationships. Doubts perform interloping dance steps in my mind when I feel sure of my heart, like an intermission. Entertainment or distraction, what purpose do they play on the stage of my life?
Other times, blessed with companionship, where no doubts exist, I feel a fulness of joy.
You are my heart,
my tears rain truth,
as joy floods doubts.
With cresting hope
I see anew,
fear not, doubt not.
Without some doubts
how would I know
questioning sighs,
God, me, and you?
Life happens . . . so do Doubts
=>Who is your companion when doubts tempt your choices?
=>What prompts your doubts?
=>What do they act upon in your life?
=>How have they evidenced themselves as you voyage calm or treacherous waters?
Simple truth is sublime when cherished in one’s heart.
© Vicki Nicholls October 2021
Life Happens... 